Big Talker the novel: Synopsis

By request, here’s a little more deets about Big Talker — the novel.  That’s for all my friends who don’t like to log in and comment, haven’t yet snagged a bootleg copy of my book — or just want to humor me. (Which is always a very good thing, right?)

And check out my comments on The Dark Knight and Mamma Mia! It seems my movie reviews are starting to get popular so I guess I’ll have to attend more often.  Pineapple Express anyone?

Big Talker is about what happens when good gossip goes bad. Aspiring writer J.M. Rowen is the oldest daughter of the famous acting couple Ruby Dumont and Burt Rowen. Her bratty beautiful younger sister Sammy seems destined for life in the spotlight too, if she can just stop rebelling. All this celebrity mayhem is enough to drive the depressed, reclusive J.M. over the edge.

After J.M. suffers a post-college meltdown, her dad uses his connections to help her snag a studio job as a script reader/analyst, although her diva mother Ruby has higher career goals for her. Ruby’s best friend is Buddy Boxer, a gossip columnist who pens a poisonous syndicated column, Big Talker and makes regular appearances on a primetime TV show, Total Entertainment.

Ruby and Buddy think J.M is the perfect choice to ghostwrite Buddy’s memoirs. Reluctant to become more of a ghost than she already is, J.M. stalls. But when Buddy is shot in what police deem a home break-in, a distraught Ruby is convinced her beloved Buddy is the target of a crazed stalker. She begs J.M. to quit her job and start working for him to keep his column alive while he recuperates.

Making it a family affair, sister Sammy is enlisted to be the new TV face to provide celebrity dish in Buddy’s absence. Learning the tricks of the trade, J.M. enjoys the anonymity of putting nasty words in Sammy’s beautiful, mean-spirited mouth. Sammy becomes an overnight sensation.

Meanwhile, it seems that there really is a stalker – albeit a not too bright one. Does he really want Buddy dead, or does he just want him to stop writing? With Buddy firmly ensconced behind the walls of Casa Ruby, the stalker sets his sights on J.M.

If life weren’t complicated enough, J.M. meets and falls for the delectable movie star, Ben Stratton. It seems that no matter how far she tries to run from Hollywood it’s always right in her backyard.

Spencer Pratt: Will Someone Shut This Guy Up?

I must admit I have enjoyed watching my rich little reality kids on The Hills – which is so laughingly superficial it gets a 5-star rating from me. After all, they film entire scenes where people say virtually nothing because they have nothing to say. The music is the breakout star.

But  when it comes to ubiquitous Spencer Pratt I’ve reached my limit. The boy is certainly living his 15 minutes of fame. Yeah, good for him — it’s America — we get it. He can live the dream.

Yes, he’s popping up in headlines everywhere and this latest one from the folks at Us made my blood pressure soar. I guess famous twin Mary-Kate Olsen talked to David Letterman about the boy’s bad temper in high school.

You can read the deets in the Us piece, but it’s Pratt’s really quotable quote that is so priceless:

“I know I’ve made it in Hollywood when a famous troll is talking about me on Letterman,” Pratt told Us.

“I forgive her, though,” he added. “She’s had to go through life as the less cute twin, which must be tough.”

Really, is there anything more to add? I thought you made it in Hollywood when you actually accomplished something.

Death of a Fashion Icon: Tori’s Mimi LaRue

Mimi La Rue, the beloved pug of Tori Spelling is no more.  It’s a dog-gone shame. Extra, extra:  Read all about it. I bet Tori’s having a ruff time. (Sorry, I really didn’t mean to go there.)

I don’t know why I am fascinated by Tori, but she actually seems like a nice person — although her unusual cleavage always distracted me on Beverly Hills, 90210.  I don’t watch her reality show often,  but I can marathon it any time when I am folding laundry or need something soothing to fall asleep by.

Hubby is not big on Tori.  But then again, I don’t like marathons of the History Channel either so there you go. There’s a lot we can agree on but he doesn’t get Tori and Dean. I don’t get Dean either. He seems uber-nice and extra patient.  Again, not a bad thing. Just almost unreal for reality TV.  You couldn’t film me for any length of time without me hitting the freak zone. 

The new season is called Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood  – and when you come to think about it, that title alone sums up why Tori is not like you or me and never will be. While her dog became a fashion icon, my dog is wondering when her next flea dip is due.

I mean, it’s one thing for a celebrity to walk the red carpet, it’s another thing for her dog to get regular coverage. It’s a different world from where I come from.

It seems I am drawn to the  most superficial headlines these days due to these difficult economic times.  Reading the news is just plain scary — so yes, Tori lightens things up a bit.

And  I’m in the doldrums when it comes to all things entertainment — I can’t even get inspired about a Saturday matinee.  Thank God The Dark Knight and Mamma Mia! are coming.

On another entertainment note, did you know that Hulk Hogan still loves Linda?

Well, Hulk seems to think their marital woes were amplified by their reality TV show Hogan Knows Best which was another fave of mine to fold laundry by. Personally, I think it has more to do with Hulk getting busy with his daughter Brooke’s gal pal — but what do I know? I have never withstood the pressures of reality television. It could be all that peroxide too. It does funny things to the brain chemistry.

Dear Angie: Billy Bob Never Said It

 Nope. It’s all a big fat lie.  Brad Pitt and Angelina have plenty in common. Just ask that pillar of integrity – good ‘ole Billy Bob. You know, the guy who’s fearful of antiques. He’ll give you the straight story.

Just look at that face, will ya?

Oh, Mustang Sal are you serious? You mean Billy Bob Thornton did not say: “She is just going through a high school phase. You know, dating the quarterback of the football team with Brad Pitt over there.”

And he did not add: “Who knows if I’ll be there when she’s ready to come to her senses though.”

I guess this is one of these tales with a tail — a story that has spread like viral plague across the Internet…Who needs The Happening when you’ve got this stuff? And Access Hollywood confirmed that Billy Bob Doesn’t Talk Angelina Jolie.

I saw the unfolding of this “celebrity news” story when I was on the treadmill at the gym — one of those rare instances where I tear myself away from senseless gossip only to find a large screen TV sharing the news that it’s all simply fabrication.  And that’s really news?

No – the picture above is of a happy couple! With a very bouncy personal life!

But meanwhile, as I am recovering from my cardio, I am also trying not to gag on my own vomit over Angelina Jolie’s recent assertion to my pals at Entertainment Weekly that pregnancy is so good for the sex life. Wow.

So, not only is she:

• Beautiful
• Never takes a bad photograph — even in the worst tabloid rags
• Is Brad Pitt’s “life partner”
•  And when she is pregnant — with twins — has a sex life that is just a big old barrel of passion and  laffs

Yes, Angie did say: “It’s great for the sex life. It just makes you a lot more creative. So you have fun, and as a woman you’re just so round and full.”

It boggles the mind.  But then, that’s why Angie-baby is a movie star and I’m not. Her life is fascinating even when I’m not watching.